Every Storm Runs Out of Rain
This song by Gary Allan has been the current motto of my life. I'm at my lowest, hoping that my storm will run out of rain soon. I don't think I can handle much more.
So you're standing in the middle of the thunder and lightening
I know you're feeling like you just can't win but your trying
It's hard to keep on keepin' on when you're bein' pushed around
Don't even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down
Every storm runs out of rain
It's gonna run out of pain
It's going to run out of sting
It's going to set you free.....
After my last surgery and the completion of high hormone therapy, I am once again in pain, making it difficult at times to perform daily tasks. I had a follow up hysterosalpingogram(HSG) test performed at Mayo ordered by Dr. March in LA. I was nervous going into the radiology department and knew what the results would tell me. After getting repeated bad news it has not gotten any easier to receive more bad news. I shed tears with Brett to the RE before my HSG was started. I could see the look in the 2 rad techs eyes and they were both sympathetic. The HSG was painful but I tolerated it well. Imagine trying to push dye through a sensitive area that is blocked, quite uncomfortable it is. The rad tech asked if I was expecting a phone call. I had my insulin pump beside me on the table. I said its my insulin pump. The RE then said take your time getting off the table and don't forget your phone. I said don't worry I wouldn't forget something that is attached to me, its my insulin pump. I had to share this humor with my endocrinologist and we were both not impressed coming from health professionals at what is supposed to be one of the top hospitals. They should know better. Do they even review a patients medical history?
My HSG revealed extensive adhesions still remain with possibly slight improvement. Ten days after my HSG I experienced heavy bright red bleeding for 3 days. I did not know what was going on with me. I was alarmed. Were my fibroids coming back? Do I have cancer? It had to be a period and I felt a relief having blood being released from my body. My periods had not been able to escape in 10 months. I emailed Dr. March and he couldn't comment until he saw my images. My Mayo RE was traveling and was not able to be contacted. I had to wait over 2 weeks for the images to be sent to Dr. March. He called me immediately to tell me that I still have extensive adhesions but there has been slight improvement. He still cannot explain the bleeding that occurred. My cavity seems to be partially open but smaller than normal and the entire upper portion of the uterine cavity is completely scarred from left to right. He was not able to tell me what percent improvement I have made. I assume minimal. My case is still considered severe and it is still an uphill battle but I have made a lot of progress based on my starting point. There are still many unknowns and it would be nice to know if I only made 5% improvement or more like 40%. I have scheduled another surgery and will travel to Los Angeles to Dr. March for surgery on November 28th. This will be my 4th surgery in 11 months.
I have been dealing with many emotions and lacking support and understanding from others. We don't need people telling us about others pregnancy and babies and people need to understand the pain this brings. It happens over and over again. Or when people say I just need a break from my kids and complain when they are up all night with them. Why did you even have a child? We are people that would cherish being able to be up all night with a crying child and being able to hold our own baby in our arms. People also need to understand that I'm doing this for my health and if they could feel the constant emotional and physical pain I am faced with each day maybe they would think differently. I have heard from others comments people have made and they are more than hurtful. Saying what is Sarah doing? She needs to move on and there are other options. What am I doing? I'm trying to rid myself of pain and provide a better well being for myself. I know I'm a fighter. Would you just give up if you were faced with a medical condition that can bring on other serious effects including cancer while trying to manage a serious disease that I already deal with daily(Type 1 Diabetes). Why would I give up? I've made improvement in my severe case and I'm a fighter. And other options? People should research the costs involved. They are astronomical, we are not wealthy. We are already struggling financially paying for medical bills and my lost time at work. These are the people that have had things come way to easy to them in life and have no idea what it feels like to have to fight for your health and the want to feel normal again. I have learned some people are heartless and do not know how to offer support. Or to those that have no idea what the financial burden feels like to have to come up with tens of thousands of dollars for medical bills plus the 11 weeks that I have gone without pay this year from missing work. I normally pack my own lunch for work but decided on a Friday to go to Subway in my medical building. Before I was able to take a bite of my sandwich I accidentally knocked it off the table. I began to cry, having to pay another $5 for a sandwich so I would have something to eat made me feel so guilty of my burdens.
I am thankful for my friends that always remember the days of my many appoinments and make sure to wish me luck and are always there waiting to hear how things went. I thank my friend Carrie from RESOLVE that can understand my feelings even though we are in different situations and Cyndi who I consider my AS sister and knows what it feels like to battle Asherman's Syndrome. I look forward to our phone conversations and wish you didn't live across the country. You are all great listeners! Thanks for being there.
I do hope my storm runs out of rain because I can't handle much more. I look forward to the sunny California skies at the end of this month.
Please storm run out of rain.
